As Mother’s Day draws near, there is a hint of sadness, but also so much gratitude inside of me. Bittersweet.

Although I believe that Mother’s Day is mostly there for businesses to make money, I also believe it is a special day provided to honour mothers, much like your birthday honouring the day you were born. Due to this special honouring day, there will always be a longing for my mother. A wish deep down that she did not have to die, that she could just return. That feeling stirs emotions, and I sometimes need to pinch myself back into reality; back to the possible. I know that she will never return, and every year’s Mother’s Day makes that reality even clearer.

When I think back to the last Mother’s Day she had with us, it was a beautiful day. It was a beautiful church service, and even in her tiredness, she made sure that all mothers received a gift. She was the mother of all mothers. The mother to all mothers.

Then, fast-forward to the first Mother’s Day without her. Wow!

It felt as though I started to grieve her for the first time after the whole ordeal. I attended church at my in-laws, who at that time were still my future-in-laws. I did not want to go to church because I knew what happens in a church on Mother’s Day, but I felt strong enough. To my totally overwhelming shock, my tears were flowing from the beginning of the service to the end. It was such a blast of sadness that I could hardly breathe. In that moment, I realised, that while everyone there were either mothers, or celebrating their mothers, I had neither my mother, nor was I a mother. I felt out of place, another place that I felt I did not fit into. It was no fault of the church or anyone there, it was my own grief speaking. My grief made me feel like the only place I fit in or people I related to, were people who also lost their mothers, or some motherless daughters’ groups – like an orphan.

The Pastor’s wife came to pray for me and my sister-in-law held me tightly. Both sisters-in-law were even crying with me. I was given water and tissues, and much later in the service, I felt better. That outburst was just needed. That was the first Mother’s Day without my mother.

The Mother’s Day after that, I decided that I would do for my mother-in-law (yes, we were married by then) what I would have done for my mother, as far as I possibly could, and still can. Thank God that my parents-in-law are both lovely people, so it is not difficult to do nice things for them.

Now, seven Mother’s Days later, I can honestly say, that even though I always miss her more this time, healing has definitely taken place. Mother’s Day to me, is now a day where I appreciate the mother I had, and appreciate the mother-figures I still have in my life.

I thank God for healing. I thank God for gratitude. I thank God for the mother He blessed me with for 26 years.