My cousin and I were having a conversation this morning which led to us reminiscing about what our experiences were like with our grandparents.

Some things stood out. Something in particular was the fact that my granny always gave us terrible gifts for Christmas. I don’t remember getting a birthday gift my entire life. If my granny was still alive then she would have said that my gift is there in her room, and she must still wrap it. 32 birthday gifts later I guess they were all stored away for to take with to her grave.

Three things in particular that we remember, and this was how it was from our point of view. Since we were young, we were always treated differently compared to one of our cousins, we were treated as ‘less than’. One noticeable thing was that when we visited our grandparents, there was a specific high-quality juice in the fridge which we were not allowed to drink from, because it was that cousin’s juice-yes we were told that. We had to drink drink-o-pop or water. Then Christmas came and one Christmas we received dolls. Cheap, plastic dolls. My doll’s arm was already broken in the packet. We opened our gifts first, and we were okay with it, until the cousin opened hers. It was an expensive Barbie doll with lots of clothes and shoes for her to dress and undress. Upon seeing that, our hearts began to harden towards them – as if the juice thing was not enough. Yes, we were jealous, sad, bitter and all the other emotions that 8- or 10-year-olds would have in such a situation. As we grew older, we obviously realised that it was because of unfair we were treated that caused those feelings. We were only children.

Another Christmas, without mentioning what the cousin received, we received socks. Second-hand socks that my granny was going to sell on the flea-market. Mine wasn’t even wrapped! It was old, hard, ‘white’ school socks. Another gift on another Christmas once, was opened and used conditioner.

How ungrateful this probably seems now. I know that some children had it worse with their grandparents. I know that some children never received anything on Christmas, but we were only children. It was not as if my granny could not afford a proper gift, seeing that she could buy the other cousin such awesome gifts. I think what made it worse was later in our lives realising that she COULD actually afford great gifts, but she chose to give us things from her flea market table.

The sad part is not about the terrible gifts we received. At some point we even joked about it. The sad part is that these are the kinds of memories we have about our granny. All her grandkids do not have bad memories about her, but some of us do. The bad, hurtful, and unfair memories overwhelm the very few good memories.

If those same things were done to us when we were older, mature, or wiser, then it would not have mattered at all, but those was the memories that she left us with as children. Mind you, it did not get better when we got older, it got worse in my opinion.

My question to you as parent, but especially grandparents, what legacy are you leaving behind for your grandchildren to remember? Are you living a life that will cause your grandchildren to miss you when you die one day? Or will they be relieved?

Do you build a relationship with them that makes them WANT to spend time with you? Or do they dread going to your house?

Are you fair with all your grandchildren? Or do certain children get more than others? Never mind their ages or supposed reasons why you give one child more than the others. Do you go to the shop and buy something for each one? Or do you feel that only certain grandchildren need to get?

What legacy are you leaving? Because this is what your grandchildren will remember when you are gone.

I need to scratch out good memories with my grandparents. Most of the things I remember are filled with trauma, hurt and disappointment. That was the legacy they left. Perhaps there were more good memories, but the traumatic ones overshadow the good ones if there were any. Even at good events, like family day camps, I can remember one of my grandparents always doing something bad there.

I ask again, what memories will you leave for your grandchildren? Will they tell their children good things about you? Or will they be like me, wishing they had grandparents who actually loved them, and showed it?